The last 5 months I’ve been single and I actually don’t mind being single at all. Before I found out how to be single and happy I was never alone for a very long time. I just couldn’t manage to be alone! I would become depressed and I would try to hold on to some random person when I just couldn’t bear the solitude anymore. I was never very strong in that sense. And I was never very happy either, because I usually ended up with a rather random partner. Don’t get me wrong, I loved and that’s the reason why I was together with them, but I never gave any consideration to how things could work out in the real world. How could a relationship work, if I clearly wasn’t over my last relationship? How would the relationship survive the long distance between us? How? I always thought “love will sort it out”.
For my last partner I actually moved to a country that I didn’t like very much in the first place and of course it went all wrong, because I gave up too much for him and he wasn’t ready for this kind of commitment. The last 5 months were generally quite good. Being single is not too bad at all. Still, there were sad moments, where I missed him and where I didn’t know how I would ever find anyone like him again (well, a little bit more mature would be nice). I didn’t really want to accept the reality of things: I made a mistake in coming to England because of a guy. I made a mistake in trusting solely in love. The real world just doesn’t work like that. We’re so full of illusions when it comes to love and relationships, because we’re looking for the fluffy Hollywood love! Think about those Hollywood films: The film ends when the two finally kiss and then they live happily ever after, right? Well, no, the first kiss and the first few months are always easy and rosé and fluffy and then reality kicks in! Hollywood love leads to hollywood divorce and that’s that.
How do we make a long distance relationship work? How do we cope with an immature partner who loves us dearly, but with whom it is impossible to have children, because he’s still a kid himself? How do we make it work in the real world? Well, sometimes it just doesn’t work out! You realize that he’s too immature, that the distance is too big and that you just can’t deal with it. For me it didn’t have anything to do with love. I didn’t suddenly stop loving. I didn’t suddenly stop having fantasies about a future with him. Nothing changed where feelings were concerned. At some point I just couldn’t bear the constant fighting anymore. He made me too angry. He hurt me too much. Enough was enough! And still, after a while the anger goes away and what do you do then? You think of him and you just feel: ouch, you still love him so much and still can’t be together with him! Frustration, anger that you didn’t see it coming, well, lately the most frequent thought was, that I was stupid! So stupid to believe that everything would just work out, because we love each other.
Somehow I ended up still hoping that everything would work out! One day he would just wake up and be grown up enough to stop the bullshit. I hoped that losing me would drive him to grow up faster. In the last 5 months nothing of this sort happened. In fact my hope kept me where I was. Sure, I’m single, I’m quite happy with it and I’m not even looking for a new partner. Well, I don’t need one, because one day he will grow up, right? Only recently I realized that I wasn’t moving on. I wasn’t going to let go of him. I still wanted it to work, because I placed so much hope in him. I came to another country for that guy and now everything is supposed to be gone? No way!
The last time we spoke about it he said that he moved on. He still seems to be single, but he seems to know now that it won’t work out with the two of us. He would be too afraid that we would have the same problems again. He moved on. And I didn’t. I still sit here thinking: “Wait a minute, we love each other, why doesn’t it work?!”
Am I immature for having hope? Am I stupid for doing what my heart tells me to do? Am I silly for still wondering why it didn’t work out? No. Everyone needs hope and doing what your heart tells you to do is probably the only way to actually find happiness out there. I would even say it is normal that I didn’t move on yet, because he was important enough for me to move to a country that I didn’t really like in the first place!
Of course I am moving on. I know that it won’t work out. I know that my hope is futile. I know that he’s not ready for what I need in a relationship. I just didn’t want to let go yet! I could let go any moment now and it would be ok. I mourned enough, I suffered enough, I reasoned enough and I certainly waited long enough. It is time to let go and I know it.
- Everyone needs time to move on and you should give yourself this time. If you just throw yourself into the next relationship you will still struggle in the same way, but you won’t do it consciously. It will be unfair and cruel for yourself and for your new partner.
- Everyone needs to suffer through a loss. Your dreams were shattered, your future ripped apart, it is normal that moving on hurts! In the end: if it doesn’t hurt, then the relationship was just a waste of your energy!
- It is normal that you don’t want to let go, because this person had such an importance in your life. Letting go sometimes feels like betrayal. If you still love this person, why would you let go just because reality caught up with you? It seems wrong.
- You will know when it’s time to let go. When you suffered enough, when you had enough time to think, when it doesn’t feel like betrayal anymore, then you will know that it’s time to let go.
For me it is time. Know when it’s time for you!
My favourite tango couple are Javier Rodriguez and Geraldine Rojas. They were truly amazing together (for more videos of them together click here). For both there came the time when they had to move on.
This tango video shows Javier Rodriguez with his new partner Andrea Misse.
The following video shows Geraldine Rojas with her new partner Ezequiel Paludi.
Letting go is not simple. I wish it was but it’s very depressing. I have had few relationships back then and I’m afraid of the fact of letting go. Until I finally realized that I need to do a battle within myself to overcome this debilitating aspect of my life.
I somehow managed to make it. When it’s time to let go, you will be forced to make a critical decision.
I think you’re right, sometimes it’s more of a battle between what you should be doing and what you want to be doing. Letting go is hard, because of all the good things. It’s easy if the bad things are just more important and hard if it’s the other way round. I prefer to make it less of a battle though. Letting go can be simple or hard … you choose how your reality looks like!