When I was in school I really didn’t care about my marks. I had an average of 2,3 in my Abitur, which would be a “BBC” in England. I rarely turned up in the first year of Abitur and in the second year I only did because I was going out with someone who would be in school. In the first year I just moved to West Germany, had strong psychological problems and constant migraine. On top of that I sincerely disliked the fact that it was all way too easy for me. I basically never turned up, didn’t do my homework since I was in year 7, I didn’t give any consideration to “authorities” and I was deeply against anything that would restrict my personal freedom – including turning up or doing homework. I was a rebel – mohawk haircut, outspoken and quite problematic while I was still in East Germany. I almost got expelled for asking a teacher, whether she really is THAT stupid. I was always a little too honest, a little too different to be good in school. And I didn’t care as well.
The thing I knew was that I wouldn’t have much of a future, if I didn’t get Abitur. I’m quite sure that I wouldn’t be where I am now if I hadn’t gone to West Germany just when a mental breakdown was unavoidable for me. I wouldn’t have Abitur and might have even acted on my suicidal tendencies if I had stayed where I was. Still, it needed quite some thinking process to deal with childhood issues, with teenage problems and I took my time in getting through this rough patch. Marks weren’t really my problem at all. Despite the fact that I didn’t show up for an awful lot of my final years in school and that I didn’t even spend one hour studying in those 2 years; despite the fact that I didn’t study at all for my final Abitur exams I got a decent average of 2,3. I’ve seen class mates fail their Abitur even though they put a lot of effort in. I’ve seen class mates struggle to get a 3 – the equivalent of a C – and they all found me very annoying for showing them how much brighter than the average Joe I seemed to be.
In year 9 or 10 I had a very good maths teacher. He was brilliant and lovely and he really cared about teaching us. Once he came into the classroom the day after an exam and he was really really angry. He threw my exam paper on my desk, sat down and didn’t talk for the next 10 minutes. I just looked at him and said “What’s the matter?!” and he furiously pointed at my exam paper. Well, I knew exactly what I had done in the exam. He had allocated 10 extra marks for the especially hard questions and he was furious because I solved the hard questions and still got only a D, because I didn’t even bother to do the easy ones! He was the only teacher who realized my potential, but instantly understood that I was a completely lost case.
If you’ve read the information I provided about myself on this web page you might have seen that I studied a double degree for a while and that I was very successful in that. My average for my Media and Cultural Studies degree is 1,1 (the highest mark being 1,0 and everything above 1,5 being considered as a first class degree internationally) – in English terms my average would translate to something higher than 90%. I finished all 8 final philosophy exams for my philosophy degree and I only would have to do another minor and write my thesis to complete the degree. Even though I was studying two full-time degrees at the same time and working part-time on the side I got the same incredibly high average for my philosophy exams: 1,1. What changed since school?
Well, I woke up! Or rather: someone threw a bucket full of water on my head to wake me up. This bucket was the apprenticeship I had to start when I finished Abitur, because my average was too low to start Media and Cultural Studies. To get into Media and Cultural Studies in Düsseldorf you need an average of 1,4 and I had 2,3. When I applied I got a letter back saying that if I waited 7 years they would maybe give me an offer. Oh dear, I could have a kid in school by then! I had no choice, I had to do an apprenticeship, which I decided to do in the IT-sector, because I was always quite into computers and web savvy since 1999. IT-specialist for system integration, networks, fixing computers, first and second level support – believe me, the most dreadful job I ever had. I spent an incredible amount of time fixing 10year old computers, sorting network cables by length, crawling under desks to see whether our lovely employees didn’t unplug the cable and I think the only thing I really learned from said apprenticeship was how to look busy when I’m not. In school I thought the loss of freedom through school was dreadful – in apprenticeship I learned it was heaven compared to working for someone else’s goals.
After about a year and quite some time having terrible depressions I decided to get out of the contract and do something else. I couldn’t. At least not without having no food and money to pay my rent for 3 months! My parents weren’t really willing to help me – I remember my Dad saying: “I have a terrible job as well – do you see me quitting, because I just don’t like it?!” and so I had to just deal with it. I made plans and arranged myself with that kind of life, I struggled through it and I decided to study Engineering after finishing the apprenticeship. It was probably the most terrible time I had in the last 10 years, but I managed to have some hope in the end.
After 1 1/2 years of apprenticeship the University of Düsseldorf had a computer failure and all offers had to be created and sent by hand. As a result only 10 of the 60 offers for Media and Cultural Studies where taken that year, because most people already had something else by the time they received their offer. In late clearing December 2005 I received a letter saying that I got an offer – I had already completely forgotten that I actually applied again and it was probably the happiest moment in my life! The day my team leader came out of her holidays I just put the offer letter on her desk. A week later I started uni and because I had missed half the semester I made a huge effort to catch up. I was used to a high work load and just kept studying like this and when I caught up I got so bored that I started studying philosophy at the same pace. I scared an awful lot of people with my approach to studying!
What really changed my attitude was nothing else than … fear! I studied so hard because I was afraid that I had to go back to my personal nightmare if I failed! My final goal was to do a PhD and get a permanent position in the university, so that I would never have to sort network cables again! I was even terribly afraid that I would get a mark less than 1,3 (the best three marks are 1,0, 1,3 and 1,7), because I feared I wouldn’t get an average of 1,5 or higher. I remember my heart beating like crazy whenever I would find out marks for some exam in Media and Cultural Studies – I was much less ambitious in Philosophy. Believe me, it was generally not a healthy attitude! After a while I realized that I wasn’t even happy anymore – the pressure also by professors who just expected me to be perfect got so high that I was in constant fear of failure. I completely wasted most of my rare free time just by worrying too much. Of course this had to end in disaster!
And so it did. In spring of my second year my long term partner, who was 18 years older than me gave me a choice to make: Either I would have kids with him within the next 3 years or he would leave me. I loved him, I wanted to marry him and even wanted to say yes right away, but one thing kept me from doing so: the “or he would leave me”. If he really loved me, he wouldn’t come up with such a horrible ultimatum, would he? If he had asked me to marry him in any appropriate way, I would be married now, have a kid and I wouldn’t be in England. First we both thought that my decision was a matter of career and personal freedom, but only 2 months later I realized that we had much much deeper issues than that and that there was no way of going back. Suddenly everything fell apart. I realized that the most important thing to me weren’t my studies and that I would have given up everything just to be with him. No fear, no hesitation, nothing. Still, I couldn’t be with him anymore, because we had very deep problems, which involved that he didn’t let me close at all. It is a complicated story and not relevant at all. The important thing is, that suddenly I was in a middle of a burn-out syndrome and nothing seemed important to me anymore! The fear was gone and I had no motivation left whatsoever.
Who cares about your degree average after all? And what will it get you if you traded it for a family and are not happy anymore at all afterwards? I was in a deep crisis and for about half a year I didn’t get anything done at all. Instead I decided to take a break. I started to dance tango, didn’t do any exams and basically waited to go abroad in autumn that year. I tried to find intrinsic motivation and failed miserably, but after all I also realized that letting go and “not giving a damn” really really frees your mind for new opportunities. A lot of other things could be equally important to me as Media and Cultural Studies and some things even needed to be let go to be fun again. When I started studying it was great fun and I was digging through the library, studying for pleasure and amusement and 1 1/2 years later it was suddenly just about marks and about future and reputation, it was miserable!
The same thing applied to my apprenticeship. As soon as there was some hope and I let go of all the negative attitude towards my work, it actually all fell into place. I would have finished my apprenticeship successfully and would have started studying afterwards, just because I let go.
I did the same thing when I was a visiting student in England. A lot of my marks there didn’t count for my final average back in Germany and I had the freedom to study whatever I wanted in as much detail as I wanted as long as I passed the course. I had some terrible courses like Analytic Aesthetics or a first year course in Cultural Studies (as a third year student – dreadful) and there I decided that reading for the course would be just a waste of my time. I still got high marks in both courses! In the two terms I was there I never handed in anything late, I knocked up 2000 word essays about highly philosophical topics in 4 hours and I spent quite a lot of my time just with falling in love. How did that effect my attitude towards my studies? I rediscovered my love for Philosophy in my Phenomenology course and realized that I don’t have to spend all my time studying just to get great marks. It was about what I myself gain from studying and not about marks or degrees or averages. If I really enjoyed what I was doing, the great marks would follow automatically.
When I came back to Germany to finish my Media and Cultural Studies degree I already knew that I wouldn’t personally gain anything from reading about psychoanalytic literature studies. I knew that I didn’t want to work in the area and that I should just move on to something that I find more interesting. What I really realized in England was that I had to stop thinking in terms of degrees or disciplines – it was all connected – and that studying Media and Cultural Studies in my case was more a way of getting into weird French philosophy, which was discouraged at my old philosophy department in Düsseldorf. I realized that I had to stop doing philosophy in so restricted environments as universities and degree programs – I had to stop studying philosophy to actually start and become a philosopher. Every bit of knowledge I now incorporate into my thinking contributes to a “master plan” which has nothing to do with a future academic position. Such a position could be the result of my endeavours, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be. One day I could decide to do something completely different and still all the knowledge I obtain in my studies will contribute to who I am.
The most important insight I can give you today is that everything you do, every decision you make and everything you think at any given moment in your life contributes to who you are. You are not only the product of your environment and you are not bound to the obstacles that are thrown your way: You have the power to decide who you really want to be. The first step will have to be that you find out what you really want for your life and then after that you will have to get a “master plan” yourself. Read selfdev. to become the person you really want to be!
