Today I had a conversation with Joe who I once met on a dating site. Back then he basically contacted me, because I stated that I was not interested in guys who are the same age as me. Two years ago I was someone with a profile on a dating site, mainly because I thought it would be impossible to meet someone in my “interest group” out there in the real world. How come I am writing an article about being single now?
Joe told me he finds it frustrating to be in a situation that he hates and not be able to change it. He can’t just force a girl to fall in love with him obviously. What is wrong with this point of view? Well, first of all: You are always able to change your situation (at least in our privileged western society). In this case it is not quite obvious to see how, but it will become clear in a moment. Let us investigate why my friend Joe can change his situation. The first thing to do here is to see what the situation looks like: Joe is single and that is why he is unhappy.
Single –> Unhappy
This seems like a simple cause – effect situation, right? Wrong! The important point is that other people might feel differently about the same cause. Let’s bring in my friend Jack, who just came out of a really horrible relationship. Basically Jack describes his ex-girlfriend as a hysteric/lunatic, who wanted to control his life. His view might be slightly biased right now, but at the moment he feels really happy to be single and to have nobody controlling his every move. For him we could write the following cause – effect chain:
Single –> Happy
Obviously there is another factor in this cause – effect relationship and this factor is the person being in this situation: Joe and Jack, and probably YOU.
Our situation now looks more like this:
Joe = Single –> Unhappy
Jack = Single –> Happy
Or to state it more generally:
Cause + Mindset –> Effect
So, what can we do with this new knowledge about the situation? If there are three factors, there are three things we might be able to change. Obviously in some situations you might be able to just consciously decide for a situation to have a different effect on you. If stress makes you bite your fingernails you can consciously decide to make an effort to not bite your fingernails. In our situation the effect is nothing we really have direct influence on: humans do not really seem to be able to just decide that they are happy now (even though it would be nice, right?). In a situation like this we have to look at the other two factors. Joe could either change the fact that he is single or he could change his mindset.
Obviously Joe seems to have problems finding a partner and most likely the reason for this is that he is just not a happy person right now. Here things get slightly frustrating: Joe isn’t happy because women only want to be “friends” with him and women only want to be “friends” with him because he is not a happy person. Who would want to have a relationship with someone who is unhappy and sad all the time? Without judging about human mating psychology we just move on to what Joe can change: himself – or rather his mindset! Well, this sounds a bit like magic, doesn’t it: I just decide now that I find being single swell and that’s it, I’m happy! Well, obviously it’s not going to work like that. Finding happiness is something a lot of people try to do and obviously most of them fail, else you wouldn’t see all those grumpy faces in the traffic jam every morning, right?
The problem is that you have good reasons for being unhappy when you are single. Obviously you find it much more enjoyable to be together with someone – else you probably wouldn’t even read this article unless you wanted to check out whether I have some new tips for your already quite satisfied single life. To be honest I myself am a newly converted happy-while-single candidate and probably not even quite there yet. In the last ten years – and this means since I actually started dating in the first place – I was never more than two months single in a row. Well, maybe officially it might have been 6 months once, but at that point I was already in love with someone so that I can’t really say I was single. Only two months single in a row – well that is obviously not really healthy especially considering that I also had a relationship of four years once that ended because he wanted kids at that very moment and I was only 22 and in the middle of my first degree. Of course nobody would believe me if I said that I was over it after two months. I obviously wasn’t and at one point or another I would suddenly find myself in a new relationship crying because of another guy. Believe me, you don’t want to try out this situation! It’s no fun at all!
Now, why did I end up in this situation then? Obviously because I was really unhappy when I was single! I would end up having depressions and would spend ridiculous amounts of time with friends to just get the feeling to not be alone. In the end I would still feel lonely while being surrounded by people. If you are reading this article because you find this situation to be a familiar one, then I have good news for you: You don’t have to be this unhappy! If you change your mindset I can promise you that you won’t feel this lonely anymore. Of course I can’t promise that you will never feel lonely again, but at least you will have an action plan for this situation.
1. Finding out why you are unhappy
The first thing that you need to do is to find out what exactly it is that you are missing. Do you feel alone? Do you feel as if nobody understands you? Do you miss your partner reading you a story before going to bed? Do you miss hugging? Do you miss telling someone what you have done all day? This essentially means that you have to write two lists: In one list you write all the things that you like about being in a relationship and in the second list you write all the things that you hate about being single. One warning before you sit down and do this: Writing these situation-lists might make you feel worse for a little while until you crack on with an action plan! It is essential though that you identify the situation to be able to actually go and change it!
2. Changing your attitude
Now, let’s look at it from the other side. You will need to write another two lists: What did you hate about your relationship/s? Did he leave his tools everywhere? Was he always ten minutes late? Did he sometimes make fun of you for being “pedantic”? Did he flirt with the waitress without realizing? Try to remind yourself what the problems where and why you broke up in the end! For example remember that he was a **** for leaving you like that! This is the Hate-List, make it angry, it helps!
The second list you need to write is the Love-List: What do you love about being single? And don’t just write nothing, because you hate being single! Deep inside you know that there is things you can only do when you are single: Girls night out while getting so fannied that your partner wouldn’t recognize you as the chick dancing on the table? Having a long bath while reading on a Sunday afternoon without TV noises coming through the door? Not having to share the bed? Nobody forgetting to close the lid of the shower gel bottle? Believe me, there are lots of things you actually like about being single, just close your eyes and think of something your ex would have hated if you had done it!
And now comes the really fun bit: let’s write an action plan! Take your situation-lists, look at each point on it and try to think of a way to change this situation. If it is something you miss, how could you get it without a partner? Do you miss hugs? Start dancing tango argentino (this was my wisest move)! Do you want someone to read you a story? Go buy an audio book! Do you want to tell someone what you did all day? Start writing a blog or update your facebook status more frequently! This way all your friends will know what you are doing and believe me: they do care! Do you feel alone? Go out there and meet new people, join a club, take up a new hobby, do something that you always wanted to do!
Now let’s look at the list with all the things you hate about being single: how could you change them? Waking up alone? Get a pet – a dog will always happily greet you in the morning and a cat will very likely want to sleep in your bed anyway. Or if you can’t do that: Did you ever consider sharing a flat or house with a friend? There is nothing better than to meet one of your best friends in your kitchen at 2 o’clock in the morning when you can’t sleep. Don’t feel too old for this! I actually only started to live with other people when I was 22 and lived alone before that for 5 years. I am sure I will stay living with other people until I move in with my future partner, because it has so many advantages. It is cheaper, you have always someone to talk to and if you are ill someone can look out for you!
Write down every solution in a solution-list and make sure you write them together with the appropriate item on the situation list. If your solution doesn’t work, you should try and find another one and it doesn’t help to not know what it was a solution for! If you can’t find a solution for an item right now, don’t worry, just write the item on the solution list anyway and leave a little space so that you remember to try and find a solution when you look at this list the next time. After you copied everything to the solution list, stick the Love-, Hate- and Solution Lists up where you can frequently see them – maybe in the bathroom or on the fridge door? And now throw the situation lists away with pleasure! You don’t want all this negative energy sitting in some drawer and make you depressed when you open it the next time. Whenever you now look at your lists you will see a lot of solutions to your situation, you will see that being in a relationship can be a pain and that being single can be fun. This will give you the necessary drive to go out there and make the best out of it! Go enjoy your life anyway; you don’t need anyone to be happy! You will soon come to realize that a happy person is an attractive person and that you will almost automatically find a partner if you are happy with yourself and your situation. Go out there and change your life now!
